Workshop Response-Rough Draft Evaluation Essay-Karma's ENglish 111

Author’s Audience:
1) Young first time homebuyers are the core audience for this essay. There are good points that older home owners’ need to remember.
2) I think the audience will agree with the author and should listen to the author’s advice.
3) “Young home buyers tend to focus on the new furniture….” Third paragraph “How many young adults”
4) The last two sentences of the second paragraph. “What happens after the paperwork is complete, the moving party is over….. “
Reasons:
1) “Being a 17 year veteran”, “listed in the appraisal…Did anyone stop to read this?’ “I have personally witnessed”
2) Reasons are in the thesis and body of the paper. Each paragraph continues the thesis statement.
3) Perhaps some criteria from a homebuyers association, or real estate firm or a bank might help strengthen the reasoning behind the statements.

Counterarguments:
The author’s experience shows in their arguments. Each paragraph which supports one of the because statements in the thesis has a strong argument for each. A reader may have the following questions though.
1) Isn’t the mortgage lender or the real estate agent responsible for telling the first time homeowner what the appraiser is looking for? Especially the part about needed repairs?
2) Given the state of the countries financial outlook and especially the mortgage loan
fiasco, shouldn’t the banks and realtors be watching what they are telling the first time owner?
3) There is so much paperwork involved in purchasing a home, shouldn’t the lenders be more forthright in what they tell the buyer? In other words isn’t the lender to blame for their omission of explanation?

Flow/Transitions:
1) Yes, the author is writing the essay following the thesis statement.
2) The paragraphs flow from one clause to the other. I wouldn’t say bumpy, but you may want to split the third and fourth paragraphs into smaller paragraphs. Perhaps where you talk about someone planning to purchase a 20 year old house end the paragraph there and continue with your next statement. Many good points in the paragraph that need to be on their own so the reader understands their importance. Same with the fourth paragraph.
3) You might want to dumb the fourth paragraph up-meaning make it simple for the uninitiated home owner. Obviously you know your stuff, make it so others can too. Again many good points in the paragraph that should be on their own. What is Fair value? Fixed interest rate? Market Value etc.
4) One typo in last sentence: Scrabbling s/b scrambling.
5) Right on with the heating fuel costs. Might not want to put “my personal”… “For example a home requiring 2000 gallons a year….”
6) The last paragraph is again strong. You might not want to include the renters clause unless you bring it up say in your opening statement. It’s a good point, but it’s a new subject in your conclusion.
7) I like the Buyer beware!

Introduction/Conclusion:
1) You might want to make your thesis statement the second paragraph in your essay. You have some really strong points that might serve the introduction; "Owning a home-part of the American Dream". Maybe bring in the last two sentences from the second paragraph “What happens after the paperwork is signed,…..” or something to that effect.
2) I like your conclusion, tying in the points of the thesis statement. Again you might not want to include the renter information.

All in all a nicely written essay. You are very convincing in your knowledge of the world of mortgages, taxes, and home repairs. Thank you from an old home owner who never totally understood how my taxes work. Good Job!